Forgiving Without Being Asked

For a long time now, I have been of the opinion that God wants us to forgive those who have wronged us whether they ask for forgiveness or not; whether they say they are sorry or not. However I know that not everyone agrees with this.
When I first travelled along the path of forgiving someone who had deeply hurt me, I was greatly helped by Joseph's story in Genesis. And there I believe he had already forgiven his brothers before they ever asked for forgiveness, even though they had sold him into slavery.

When they came to him after their father's death, finally asking for forgiveness, he wept as he said, "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." He knew that God was in control, and he had trusted God, and forgiven his brothers. If he had not forgiven them I don't think he would have kissed them, wept over them and invited them to come and live with him while he provided for them.

Jesus also, on the cross, called out, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Those people who had given him up to be crucified had not said sorry, yet he asked God to forgive them.

I have just been reading a powerful book by Doris Van Stone on the hurt and healing of sexual abuse, called 'No Place To Cry'. Thankfully I have never been through that, but I meet more and more people who have, which is why I originally bought this book - so I could lend it out, and maybe be better able to help people through reading it.

She has been through some horrendous things, and bears out what I believe about forgiveness: "We must be willing to release the bitterness we hold against those who have wronged us, whether they ask for it or not. Forgiveness is necessary for our own well-being; it is not something we do solely for the benefit of the offender"

I also think that since bitterness is not something that God wants us to keep in our hearts, we need to forgive in order to change our thoughts so that they honour God, not just for our own benefit.

She has some great advice on how to forgive:

• If forgiveness seems to be impossible, let us remember that God helps us to do the impossible
• We must see the offender as human
• We can forgive without surrendering our desire for justice
• Forgiveness is not an emotion but an act of the will
• Forgiveness is not a one-time act but a process

There is much more ellaboration on these points, but I don't want to take too much from the book! I would encourage you that if you have a real problem with forgiving someone, and especially if that has to do with abuse, to buy this book. It contains her story, as well as offering help towards healing the hurt.

I think we can also benefit from looking at Joseph, how trusting that God had a plan helped him to forgive his brothers. Also how Jesus wanted God to forgive the people who had put him on the cross because they didn't know what they were doing. Often compassion for people, and attempting to understand where they are coming from, can help us to forgive.

Please note, I am not in any affiliate program and will not benefit in the slightest from you buying that book! I just love books and want to recommend those that will help others.

Linking up with Women Living Well

Do Your Best and Commit the Rest

Earlier this week I was feeling discouraged wondering how I could possibly do all of the things I'm supposed to do. Then I remembered Chuck Smith's saying: "Do your best and commit the rest".

I was suddenly a lot more peaceful as I realised I only need to do my best - I don't need to be perfect. I can stop worrying about whether I get everything done, and just do the best I can!

Sometimes when I take my son Caleb to swimming lessons, I encourage him beforehand to listen to the teacher, and to try and swim without floats. Then sometimes he says to me anxiously, "But I can't do it very well!" So I have started telling him, "Just do your best, that's all that matters."

It is very freeing for him and for me to remember that. We get discouraged when we don't do well, or when others do better, but if we are doing our best then that is what matters - we can't do more than that anyway, so there's no point worrying about it!

Once we have done all we can, then we leave the rest to God, and pray and trust Him that He will work it out. We are weak, but we live by God's power; so we need to walk by faith, in prayerful dependence on His strength.

Do your best:

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men Col 3:23

Commit the rest:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov 3:5-6

10 Ways to Support Christians in Trouble

When Life Doesn't Go as You Expect #7

This is the last post in my series of what to do when life doesn't go as you expect. Christians go through trials all the time and we have to expect that it's going to happen, but it can be hard to watch someone else going through something and not know what to say or do.

Obviously a lot of help and counsel is specific to the situation that people are facing, but here are some general suggestions that I think can help when we know a fellow brother or sister that is going through difficulties:

1. Love and befriend them

When people go through hard times it is easy to avoid them because you don’t know what to say. But if you think about it that is one of the worst things you can do. They will already be struggling with various emotions, and adding loneliness will make it a lot worse. Even if you don’t know what to say, just going to them and saying, “I’m sorry” and giving them a hug can be a great help. The Bible says to weep with those who weep, so we should give sympathy when others are distressed.

2. Don’t jump to conclusions

When Job lost just about all he had, his friends told him he must have done something to deserve it. We might not say that to our friends outright, but we may think it and if they guess what we are thinking they could be very hurt. Often things are not what they seem, so it is better not to judge or criticise, but rather help and comfort.

Sometimes confronting someone on an ongoing and unrepentant sin is called for, but then we need to ask enough questions to have all the facts first, and be in a position close to them to be able to do that graciously.

3. Offer practical help

Often a situation may seem overwhelming and it may look like there is nothing that we could say that would help. But there still may be practical things that we can do. The best thing is to offer something specific, as if you just offer general help they probably won’t take you up on it.

Some specific things that might help depending on the situation are: a cooked meal brought round to them, cleaning their house, getting their shopping and looking after children. Also just a card, flowers or a gift can be a real blessing and help uplift someone’s heart.

4. Encourage them

One of the key purposes of the church is to encourage each other, and there are many ways we can do that, such as:

Remind them of the good - it can be easy just to see the negative things going on.

Remind them that God has a plan – and part of this is that we can comfort others better because of what we have been through, and also that we can become more like Christ through our trials.

Remind them of key things to hold on to – like God loves you, and He will never leave you.

5. Give perspective

When bad things happen our responses are often emotional and we lose sight of the big picture. It can really help to have a friend nearby who can keep us in perspective, remind us of what we are here for, what God has called us to do, and what is really important.

6. Give hope

This is one of the most important things to do when you are trying to help people with problems, because if we have no hope we give up even trying. Along with many Bible promises which are good to know, here are some things you can help them to understand or remind them of, to give hope:

• The Bible has the answers to life’s problems (2 Tim 3:16,17)
• Trials are temporary (1 Peter 1:6)
• Others have also gone through this (1 Cor 10:13)
• God won’t give you more than you can handle (1 Cor 10:13)
• He will give you a way of escape and will bring you through (1 Cor 10:13)
• One day when we get to heaven we won’t have to deal with any of it anymore! (Rev 21:4)

7. Don’t minimise

When someone says to you, “I’m a bad person” they may just need a bit of encouragement that they’re not that bad, but often if they are genuinely down and you do that you will minimise what they are trying to say, and they will think that you’re not taking them seriously and lose hope.
One thing I have learned from my counselling course is to be careful not to do that. It is better to ask questions as to what makes them think that, then maybe you will be able to help them. If they have sinned then you can point them to confession and repentance.

8. Pray for them

Prayer is so powerful! I try and always shoot a quick prayer up for someone, and then write a little sticky note to pray for them if I’m at my desk, to remind me.

Praying with people is also very encouraging. My husband is very good at that, and I’m trying to get better at it! The other day he prayed for me while I was there, and it really helped me to know for sure that someone else had prayed for me, not just hope they had!

9. Memorise verses

Yes hard work I know!!! But even if you don’t review them regularly, just learning verses and knowing roughly where they are and what they say can help you a lot in being able to effectively minister to people! Honestly it is so worth it to KNOW that what you are saying is in the Bible, and not wonder about it. Soon I hope to post the verses that we put in our recent ministry training scripture memory pack. They are all great for ministering to others. In the meantime, here are some verses that might be a good starting point for you, and more here!

10. Help them to find the biblical solution

Sometimes there’s nothing to do but trust God and hold on, but other times there are things that can be done. The Bible has practical answers, but we need to know how to find them. Here are some tips on finding solutions for specific problems in the Bible:

Read the whole Bible regularly – I read it once through every year, and the New Testament and Psalms twice, and it really helps to give me an all-round knowledge of Biblical principles, and where things are located.

Figure out what the problem is in Biblical terms – it is easier to find the biblical solution when you know what it’s called in the Bible.

Use study helps – I love my Thompson Chain Reference Bible as it is great to look up topics in the back and find lots of verses for them. E-sword is a free Bible software program that you can download, with a topical reference and lots more. You can go to a concordance and look up specific words and their verses, or go to your pastor or someone else who knows their Bible well.

Read appropriate books – many people won’t read a book if you lend it to them, but if you read it yourself you might be able to glean enough to be able to help them. A great directory of books that help with various problems in life is at Timeless Texts, a ministry of Jay Adams, who is a great Biblical counsellor. There is also a book called Quick Scripture Reference for Counselling, and another for youth and women, which are great books to go to for quick answers.

Is there anything that a friend has said or done that has really helped you through a hard time? Please add to this in the comments if you can think of more suggestions!

You can find the rest of the series on when life doesn't go as you expect here:

1. Being Prepared For Trials
2. Trust that God has a Plan
3. Hold On to What You Know
4. Prayer Changes Things
5. Take Responsibility
6. Keep Pressing Toward the Goal

I'm linking up with Women Living Well today, where you can find lots more blogs to read:

Are We Relinquishing our Duty?

Today I read the familiar passage in 2 Samuel where King David commits adultery with Bathsheba and then ends up having her husband killed in battle after she conceives a baby.

When I read stories like that I constantly try to learn from them - how can I avoid falling into sin like that? 'Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.' David was said to be a man after God's own heart - yet he fell into enormous sin. How did he get to that point?

Well as many people have pointed out, it started with him staying at home when he should have gone out to war. It was spring and the kings went out to war, yet he stayed at home. He probably thought the battle would be fine without him, since his right hand man Joab was in charge, and they did in fact win. But his post, and where he really should have been, was out there with them. Instead he stayed at home which is when he saw Bathsheba; which led to a one night stand, her pregnancy, and his eventual murder of her husband.

That led me to think, are there any ways I am delegating my responsibility to someone else, when I really should be overseeing it myself? Thinking about it, there are many ways we can do that, maybe because we're lazy, or because we're busy, or it's just easier for someone else to do it, or we don't like it...

One way I think we can do it as parents is to give too much of our responsibility for our children over to others, or to TV as a babysitter. Not that we can't have people look after our children, but God has given us responsibility for bringing them up, so we need to make sure we are still overseeing it and maybe some of us should have more of a hand in it than we do.

I could let someone watch my children while I did more ministry during the day. But God has given me the children as a responsibility so I need to watch out that I don't delegate it to someone else unless I'm sure it is right.

Husbands often relinquish their responsibility to lead the family to their wives, and I think wives can relinquish the responsibility to make sure their family have good and healthy food to whoever makes the ready meals! I am NOT saying we can't eat pizza and have ready meals and delegate our jobs though!

I have just been struck by how we need to be careful to remember what God has called us to do and not just give it away to someone else who won't do as good a job. Or maybe like in David's case, they will do a good job, but we open ourselves up to problems in other areas because we're not where we're supposed to be. Delegation is a good thing, but I think we need to watch out how we do it, how much we do it, and whether we should be doing it, especially when it comes to the things that God has called us to do.

Keep Pressing Toward the Goal

When Life Doesn't Go as You Expect #6

This is the next to last post in my series of when life doesn’t go as you expect, and I wanted to make it on keeping things in perspective – we need to keep pressing toward the goal, no matter what happens.

When hard times come we get off track so easily. But if we can try and remind ourselves of why we’re here and what our focus should be, it can keep us going and stop us from making too many mistakes.

One of my favourite passages in the Bible is Hebrews 12:1-4, great for bringing things into perspective:

'Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.'

Here are some things that I think can help us to press toward the goal:

Keep glorifying God as your aim – as my husband likes to say, our purpose on this earth is to know God, bring glory to God, and bear fruit in his name.  'Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.' 1Co 10:31 Everything we do should be for the glory of God, and when I start worrying, if I remind myself of that it makes it all so much simpler.

Seek God for what he wants you to do – As I mentioned recently, God has a plan, so when unexpected things happen we should seek God for His guidance. His plan is always best! It is also good to remind ourselves of what God has called us to do already.

Look for the way of escape – God always provides a way of escape out of every trial and temptation so that we can stand up under it. But we need to look for it. 'No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.' 1Co 10:13

Jeremiah was put in prison, but he didn't give up hope - he asked the King to let him out, and got his request granted. Maybe your way of escape is to rest more, or to give up a commitment, or to stop doing something that has come before God in your life, or even to stop fighting it and trust God.

Remember trials are temporary – they are only for a season, and God will bring us through.

Remember trials are necessary – to strengthen our faith, and to help us comfort others with what we have learnt.

Look to heaven – this is our ultimate goal, and is always my comfort. When I feel like life is a roundabout and I want to get off, I remember that one day we will be in heaven. Then there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more suffering, no more tiredness. We will see Jesus and be with Him forever and everything will be perfect!

When I was at Creation Fest recently, Brian Brodersen spoke on trials from 1 Peter, and at the end he got Scott Cunningham to come up and sing a song he and his wife have written called, ‘Don’t Give Up’. The words are beautiful and so encouraging. They are written below the video.

Don’t Give Up

If flowers fade and seasons change
If open sky turns into grey
If hopes and dreams fade away, away...

If darkness falls without a dawn
If sorrow pains become your song
If what was right, now seems wrong, it all seems wrong...

Don’t give up, for God is on our Side
Don’t give up, running for the Prize
Don’t give up, He’ll give you strength to fight…..
There’s grace enough for you…. Don’t give up

If all your fears, they never fade
If anxious thought guides your way
If hope seems lost – in all your pain, in all your pain…

And even if the Sun and Moon won’t shine their light again on you
Its still too soon, it’s still too soon
Even when your past and shame are calling out to quit your race
Its still too soon, it’s still too soon...

Scott and Megan Cunningham

Do you have anything that has helped you keep things in perspective when difficulties came? Or have any of the things I mentioned been a help to you at some point in your life, that you could share to encourage others?

You can find the rest of the series on when life doesn't go as you expect here:
1. Being Prepared For Trials
2. Trust that God has a Plan
3. Hold On to What You Know
4. Prayer Changes Things
5. Take Responsibility
7. 10 Ways to Support Christians in Trouble

The Discipline of Grace

I’ve been struck recently by how it seems that many Christians go to one side or the other when it comes to growing and becoming more like Christ, after salvation. Some believe we just need to pray and it shouldn’t require any effort. Others believe we should make effort but then get very guilty and discouraged when they sin.

However the Bible talks about both effort and dependence on God, and grace when we sin.

Seeing the confusion on this topic is why I immediately ordered ‘The Discipline of Grace’ by Jerry Bridges as soon as I saw it. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t off track anywhere and find out how to talk to others about it!

It starts with the challenge to ‘look to Christ alone – not Christ plus our performance – for God’s blessings in our lives.’ Do we try and earn God’s favour through our performance? We shouldn’t, because if we are saved we already have it, through Jesus dying to atone for our sin.

Then it moves on to exhort us to preach the gospel to ourselves every day - we need to understand God’s grace for us when we sin so that we don’t get discouraged!

It goes on to explain why we should want to pursue holiness as Christians. He says, ‘my observation is that most of us who are believers practice what I call a “cruise-control” approach to obedience… the level of obedience is most often determined by the behaviour standard of other Christians around us’. Instead he says we should have “race-car obedience” where we drive with all our heart, soul and mind. I love that analogy!

The last half of the book is devoted to the personal disciplines that we need to practice in the pursuit of holiness, while stressing the need for dependence on God. There is great practical advice in those chapters.

I have found the book extremely helpful and challenging. I have underlined something on almost every page, because there are so many really good things that he says, and there is so much misunderstanding of these truths among Christians!

I think it would be good for any Christian to read but especially those who are struggling with feeling like they need to earn favour with God, or with not feeling the need to put effort in, or who could do with some advice on how to pursue holiness in a way that is dependent on God.

The only caution I would give is that it is very deep! It is not an easy read, and takes some thinking about, but I believe it is well worth it :)

Take Responsibility - When Life Doesn't Go as You Expect #5

After I shared my story of learning to trust God through not getting into my university course, my dad pointed out that I wasn’t without blame. And he was right. I was so keen to be like the girls in the newspapers that got four or more A’s at A level. But if I had listened to my head of sixth form I wouldn’t have sat so many and may well have got the grades I needed.

There are many difficult things that come into our lives through no fault of our own, and we have to be careful that we don’t assume that someone has done something wrong when they go through a trial. Job’s comforters were wrong in accusing him of having done something to deserve what happened to him when he lost his family, possessions and health.

However I think we too often take the view that the bad things that happen to us just ‘happen’ when often we do need to take at least some responsibility.

When trials come, along with trusting that God has a plan, and holding on to what we know about God's love and care for us, and praying, I think we also need to examine ourselves.

Have we acted unwisely and brought the consequences upon ourselves? Or are we sinning, and this is a form of God’s discipline?

Natural consequences

If you want to know more about this, just read Proverbs – it is full of warnings about the consequences of sin and foolishness. It is also full of practical advice on how to live wisely!

Sin often brings about its own consequences, like stealing might give you guilt and trouble from the police, and sexual immorality might give you emotional stress and problems in relationships. ‘His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin’ Proverbs 5:22

Acting unwisely also brings problems. For instance, if you are lazy then you may well have financial issues. If you hang out with the wrong kind of people then you can be influenced to do the wrong kind of things. ‘He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.’ Proverbs 13:20

I think it is good to analyse what has led up to these things happening, though not so that you feel condemned and depressed. Rather that if it is sin, you can acknowledge it to God, repent and change your ways, and if you were unwise then you can learn from it and act more wisely next time.

In my case I needed to learn not to focus on being the best, but rather focus on what God was calling me to do. I also needed to realise that I couldn’t necessarily do everything I set my heart on and learn some humility, and listen to counsel!

God’s discipline

It seems to me that we often shy away from talking about God disciplining us. But if you read through the Bible it is definitely there!  And if you think about it, a loving father who wants his children to grow up well, will discipline them.

‘Do not despise the Lord’s discipline, nor be weary of His reproof. For the Lord reproves him whom He loves, as a Father the son in whom he delights.’ Proverbs 3:11,12

Jerry Bridges says this: ‘Can we tell if a particular adversity is related to some specific sin in our lives? Not with certainty, but it is my own belief that the Holy Spirit will bring such a connection to our attention if we need to know in order to deal with a particular sin. If nothing comes to mind, we can pray asking God if there is something he wants us to consciously learn.’

I think if we are aware that God sometimes uses adversity to discipline us then sin may come to mind as a possible connection, and when it does then we need to repent and forsake our sin.

Having said that, I want to repeat again that just because these things can be related to some fault of our own, doesn’t mean that they are. If you think that, just read the story of Job!

But it is also good to be aware that they may be, and to grow from what we learn as a result, and use it to warn and help others not to make the same mistakes.

You can find the rest of the series on when life doesn't go as you expect here:

1. Being Prepared For Trials
2. Trust that God has a Plan
3. Hold On to What You Know
4. Prayer Changes Things
6. Keep Pressing Toward the Goal
7. 10 Ways to Support Christians in Trouble